At a stupid hour to be awake, running out of time and money, I decided to make some important decisions in my life. Never a good idea but its done. And it all worked out just as I "planned".
I am now working for a local, high class, high expectations, high stress restaurant chain. My whole working life I have avoided the restaurant biz. Now, as I think about it, I'm not exactly sure why. I love people, I love action, I love food. Seems like a good fit. But the whims and particularities of people and their comforts (ie. food) seemed like a tall order for me, a person who wants to ensure that everyone is pleased as pie. There were always a few too many variables in that picture for it to be a happy one for me.
Yet here I am, getting shirts professionally dry cleaned, buying "spec" shoes and skirts, memorizing ingredients, learning how to answer a phone and put people on a wait, maintaining a smile, always a smile.
I cannot help but say that I am disappointed. I love, absolutely love, this restaurant. I would not work for another restaurant. But here I am, 26 and working in a restaurant (not even able to be a waiter yet since I have no prior experience), struggling to find the time and energy to devote to art and struggling to make ends meet. I am stressed learning the details and spending more money than I've made so far. I would be lying if I didn't say that at this point, I'm loosing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.
These are the moments that I think I should throw in the towel and walk away. But that's just it. When I think of walking away, what is it that I'm walking away from? Dreams. Now, that word has become so cliched it almost makes me roll my eyes to say it. But really, that is what I would be walking away from: a dream. "A strongly desired goal or purpose", something to consider as a possibility. I was talking to a friend about some of this and he had the best response, "I know it is overwhelming and stressful at times, and if that is the case, you need to march your butt downstairs and throw some clay around. That will get your mind off of things and calm you down a bit."
Any fool should be able to see that merely because a dream is not realized at this particular moment does not mean that any towels should be thrown in any direction but over your shoulder for more work to be done. The key word there is "should", any fool should be able to see. But my sorry excuse for patience and hard work blurs that sight completely and I am struggling to wipe my eyes clear. While I'd like to be present, be aware and active in the now, I need to keep that strong desire, that purpose, that goal in mind.